Let me tell you a story about parenting guilt.
“Krishna, say bye to me. I’m going to the hospital. I’ll be back by evening.”
Krishna was hiding under his comforter. He twitched a little foot, acknowledging me, and I fled before he changed his mind.
Yesterday, I went to the hospital to finish various admission formalities for my autistic almost-11-year-old, who is undergoing a dental procedure tomorrow. I left Krishna at home with his father.
I drove in silence; no music, no podcast, no calls, no nothing.
Just silence.
Rather, white noise. Rushing wind. Tyres running on asphalt and tar.
I was happy. Relieved to be away from Krishna’s pain for at least a while.
When I recognized that I was happy, guilt rose like a tsunami wave and crashed down on me.
I was happy to be away from my son, who was unwell.
I was happy that I needn’t take care of him or prevent his self-hurting for a while.
I wasn’t bothered that my husband would struggle to manage Krishna by himself for these few hours.
I was selfish.
I was a bad mother.
My intellect knew that this was nonsense because I was going to the hospital for Krishna; I wasn’t fleeing from my child’s painful situation to go on a holiday.
Yes, my husband would struggle a little to manage Krishna, but he would manage. And he needed time for his own work, which he would squeeze in between caregiving. He was the one who told me to get out of the house for a while, to breathe a little in relative peace.
But my emotions didn’t agree and decided to drown me in guilt.
Dear parents, this kind of guilt is the most useless emotion in the world. Caregiving takes a huge toll on us. It isn’t a crime to take a breather every now and then.
Rather, you MUST take a breather every now and then to stay yourself.
It isn’t a sin to go out for a walk, a drive, a cup of coffee, a chat with friends, a movie, or anything else that recharges you. Rather, it’s something you must consciously remember to do.
If you lose yourself, how will you be the parent that your child needs you to be?
Still convincing myself of all this!
The pic is the last minute of my guilty freedom. I am back with Krishna, both relieved and sorry for how short that freedom was.